Where Are You Now?

December 21, 2008

One of the reasons I started this blog is for the reflective qualities it will hold as I read over it from time to time.

As I sit here, nearing the middle of my service, it is hard to accurately describe emotions. The latter, proves to be a daunting task, as I am not accustom to broadcasting my feelings over the Internet. Regardless, what I have found is that my emotions have ran the whole gauntlet here. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, elation, excitement, hesitation, apprehension, jubilation, satisfaction, contentment. I have felt them all. Even more strange, is that I have felt them all in short amounts of time. In phases and even during the same day. In the most exceptional cases, I have felt contrasting emotions within a matter of seconds.

One may not feel that this is too much different than how we feel in our comfort zone. However, I believe that going from the satisfaction of hearing your favorite song on the radio cruising down the freeway, to the anger you get when someone cuts you off moments later, has little comparison to this experience.

Since I have been here, I have had varying degrees of interest. I have also had varying levels of culture shock. What I know for sure, is that culture shock is a continuous mechanism. It presents itself everyday. For the most part, I believe that the longer you stay in a foreign place, the more subtle it becomes. Comparatively, the easier it is to cope with. On the other hand, while big shock factors immediately hit you and fade away, other things stay with you, stick to you. Also, you begin to unearth other differences that were once hidden.

For me, right now, at this moment, the biggest feeling of cultural difference has to do with the fact that I am in an uninterested state in my Chinese language learning. I went from an adamant and peak period, to one in which I have devoted little time over the past three weeks and have regrettably (but maybe necessarily) relied just on English. Of course, I have also been applying for scholarships and planning Spring Festival. In addition, the dreariness of not being at home for Christmas has also set in. That alone is a major deterrent from wanting to engage in the very thing that is preventing you from being back in your comfort zone.

Overall, in regards to language acquisition, I may have been to overzealous or had the wrong expectations. I could just be burnt out. Though I plan to keep up with the language by studying it over Spring Festival as much as possible, I also know that desensitizing from China is probably a good thing.

Living in China is not easy. It is the little things that I took for granted in America, that now lead me to dwell in a state of non-positivity from time to time. Little things that build up and fill your life. Like always having water on your bathroom floor, having to wear long underwear 24/7, having to get up or stay up to odd hours to communicate with people back home, avoiding slippery noodles on your classroom floor, non-stop noise and chaos in the classroom, etc.

I know, the reader is thinking, "that isn't so bad." But please, save the criticism. You don't know unless you have dealt with it. These little things can add up and really eat away at you. Which is precisely an example of how emotions can change in this setting. A month ago, I would have never written that sentence because those things didn't bother me. I enjoyed them. I liked the difference. I was fully acclimated into it. It was the norm. Today, maybe they do bother me. Three months ago, I was thriving on the chaotic structure of China. Today, I just want something to work without hesitation or having to tamper with it for 15 minutes.

Of course, I am humble and have it better than most. I know this. This is just observational. However, there are days when I long for the functionality and efficiency of America. Days in which I know that if I go someplace to get something, they will have it. Days in which I know that if something says it will start at a set time, it will start at that time. Days in which websites won't be blocked or communication interrupted. Ease is what I covet. That is what I feel right now. That is what I crave. That explains why I have not been on-par with my studying. It isn't easy to study Chinese. To motivate yourself to do it. A month ago was no problem, now it is. Peaks and valleys.

This experience is all about peaks and valleys. The reader most likely gets a lopsided viewpoint from my blog, because I tend to write only at times when I feel inspired, which coincidentally coincide with times I feel really good, really motivated or really angry. The low times, the valleys, make me persist with little enthusiasm for writing. Overall, there hasn't been more valleys than hills or vice-versa. If anything, they have been consistent in their sporadic rhythm. Up, down, up, up, way up, down a little, up, way down, way up, down. But, I am never stagnate. Never, just feeling nothing. It may be impossible to feel nothing here. There is so much going on. So much happening. Your mind is always alert and your senses always acute. So much so, that your emotions feel tangled and confused, as your mind searches for normalcy in an unfamiliar place.